A.L.E.R.T.
(America Law Education Rights & Taxation)

01-12-2002
Gordon, An Equal Opportunity Offender

As a child, I played a game called Uncle Wiggly with my sister: Two steps forward, one step back, five steps forward, two steps back. Eventually the winner advanced to the goal. 

The growth of my e-mail list reminds me of this type of lurching, episodic progress. Subscribers and "removers" ebb and flow according to the tenor of my writing, the result being that the list has grown exponentially in recent years.

After observing this phenomenon for some time now, I have come to be able to predict with uncanny accuracy the number of contacts who will either subscribe ("opt in") or unsubscribe ("REMOVE!") in direct proportion to the political incorrectness of a given subject or article. The correlation is so remarkable as to be quantifiable. 

Newton gave us his Law Of Motion: "An object in motion tends to stay in motion, in a straight line at a uniform speed, unless acted upon by an unbalanced outside force."

Likewise, I have observed that my subscription list tends to stay in motion, in linear growth at a fairly uniform speed, unless acted upon by an unbalanced outside mindset. The unbalanced part being, of course, the mesmerized world view of the average government educated reader. 

Which leads to Phillips Law of Cognitive Denial: "The perceived political incorrectness of an unfamiliar idea lies in direct inverse proportion to the quality of education received by the perceiver."

I have observed that those asking to be added to my list are usually very nice -- often quite complimentary, really --, frequently offering words of encouragement. 

Some new subscribers are added when a well-intentioned acquaintance "volunteers" their e-mail address to my list without their knowledge (no doubt assuming it to be an expedient way of illuminating a career liberal). The timorous new subscriber reads a few articles, is instantly horrified, and "demands" to be removed, sometimes "right away!". The spectrum of emotion expressed by such evacuators is downright fascinating, ranging from the teeth-clenching terse to the outright acerbic. Ouch! Seems as though the truth hurts.

Due to my occasional propensity to adopt a, shall we say, cheerfully sardonic tone in my writing, I have at one time or other been branded with every vile epithet known to bed-wetting liberals, including "radical right wing agitator". You know, like Samuel Adams, Vivien Kellems and Henry Ford, Sr.

Sometimes the vituperation expressed by the umbrageously unsubscribing knows no bounds. Of course it doesn't help the relationship much when I attempt to rescue the departed by writing back to say:

"Dear Adamantly Unsubscribing, 

"We have honored your request to be expunged from our contact list, but we will surely miss you. Now, I'm not a neuroscientist (you know, the only type who can understand the Internal Revenue Code?), however if you suspect that your decision to be removed was due to the non-surgical lobotomization of your frontal lobes resulting from protracted periods of incarceration in government schools, combined with life long seances in front of the light-emitting beam in your living room, thereby rendering your higher brain functions unable to discern propaganda from reality -- stay with me here --, and that it may actually be your lower brain stem, physiologically unable to discern fact from fiction and enervated by a lifetime of serially desensitizing exposure to violence in the media that caused you to become such a flaming liberal as to want to unsubscribe in so peevish a manner from the list of such a pleasant rationalist as myself, won't you kindly reconsider?"

Geez, how much nicer could I get? But so far, no cigar. In spite of such extreme mollifying measures, few unsubscribers indeed have written. That's life, I guess. Another six-pound universe lost to the quiet influence of the Hidden Hand. As Merrill Jenkins once observed: "Those unaware are unaware of being unaware." Oh, well.

In any event, to minimize future subscriber attrition when discussing potentially "sensitive" issues (whispering here ... such as the fact that our nation has been steadily and stealthily manipulated from behind the scenes for many years now for the private gain of an illuminist, fascist oligarchy operating in conjunction with rogue elements from the intelligence agencies, as can easily be confirmed by any interested researcher ... oops, darn it ... there go a few more off my list), I thought perhaps of prefacing future A.L.E.R.T.'s in this manner:

"Dear Tentative New Subscriber, 

"In order to multiculturally democratize all possible future emotional reactions to my writings by readers of every educational stripe, while attempting to prehandle all imaginable perceptions at to the cognitive rectitude, or lack thereof, of my personal political paradigm, today's A.L.E.R.T. is intended to offend everyone equally.

"If, for some reason you are not offended, please write back with a description of yourself including your name, age, weight, measurements, Social Security Number, mother's maiden name, birthmarks, annual income, bank accounts, credit card numbers with expiration dates, marital status, political party affiliation, voting record, club memberships, tax filing status, sexual preferences, racial profile and views, deeply held religious convictions, strong opinions, unsubstantiated beliefs, predilection to accept anything the media tells you (on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being brain dead and 10 deeply propagandized) or anything else you are touchy about, and I will try to offend you in a future communication. 

"If I can't do it, nobody can. Complaints should be e-mailed to ..."