Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking when a flasher appeared. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady had a stroke and the second old lady had a  stroke.

The third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.

NEW DRUG?

From time to time we get tips about companies that are on the verge of releasing some product that might make them a good buying opportunity. 

Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.  

The drug is called Gingko Viagra II and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you're doing. 

TRUCKER

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And - the eyesight to tell the difference.

THINGS I LEARNED IN MY OLD AGE

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered . . .

ONE - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO - My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE - I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

FOUR - Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

FIVE - All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

SIX - If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT - I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

NINE - It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

TEN - Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

ELEVEN - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

TWELVE - When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

THIRTEEN - It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

FOURTEEN - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

FIFTEEN - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Copyright Family Guardian Fellowship